I took an online quiz today. It takes you though a series of tests, and then shows you who your physical ideal is. It’s all very long and supposedly scientific. The results were interesting, and a mixture of the obvious and the surprising. I know you would skip right to the end to see the picture of my ideal, so let’s just show her up front:

Were they right? Well, they’re not wrong. If I saw this woman in person, I would be fascinated with her. But she’s not what I expected. In fact she’s not even like any of the runners-up, who were all generically-pretty long-haired brunettes. I’m sure that the quiz picked up on my attraction to redheads, but she wasn’t even the most beautiful redhead in the test. There must be a combination of other factors that recommends this one. Let’s see what the quiz says about that:

"Interestingly, a lot of the features you liked are not especially popular. They're not what usually defines "mainstream" attractiveness for women."

Huh.

So what kind of features would those be? Well, luckily, there’s a picture as an example!

She looks fun, doesn’t she? Like she should be a correspondent for The Daily Show.

What else does the test say I would like?

"Glasses and the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them."

That’s true. I did pick a lot of the girls with glasses. (I noticed that none of them came up in the final recommendations, though). It reminds me of an observation I make every time I go to the eye doctor: They have all of these photos of beautiful women in glasses, as if to say, “It’s O.K., get glasses! Look how beautiful these women look in glasses!”. Let’s not kid anyone. These women looked beautiful before they put the glasses on. But yeah, glasses? Not really a turn-off. I mean, come-on: Lisa Loeb? Tina Fey? Yeah. Seriously.

"You appreciate how sexy someone very lean or slender can be."

You gotta be kidding me, right? Is there secretly a lot of under-appreciated skinny chicks out there? Is the sexiness of slender women a huge mystery? If so, I guess all of those bulimic Hollywood actresses are wasting a lot of energy. But still, glad I can be there for them.

Along with 40% of other guys, apparently, I like “Pixies”. I knew that. They say I’m also fascinated with the “Super Model” type. Well, duh. I’m a good, dutiful consumer. I bought what the fashion industry was selling back in the 90’s. And what they were selling was Kate Moss, Cindy Crawford, and Linda Evangelista. What’s surprising about this is their claim that only about 30% of men prefer this. What are the other 60% looking for? I mean, we’re talking about ideals here, right? The bad news:

"These women make up around 3% of the single population. Keep your eyes out for signs like long necks, pointed chins, prominent noses, and long arms and legs."

Check. Watch out for long, pointy things. Always good advice.

How specific is this test? Oh, very:

"While you may enjoy looking at different breast sizes, based upon the choices you made, you prefer a woman with medium breasts."

Why, yes, yes I do enjoy looking at… ahem. Moving on.

Take a look at this picture:

According to the survey, most men would rate this woman as a 6, while I, according to the scientists, would rate her as an 8. This part has me baffled. A 6? Are you joking? I don’t even know if an 8 is high enough. Didn’t I see this girl selling moisturizer or shampoo on TV? A 6? If that’s a 6, then why aren’t I waist-deep in hotties like this? A 6… These so-called scientists may not know what they're talking about.

The report says that I prefer classic features over the big eyes and small noses that characterize “cute” women. This is a little disconcerting. I like big eyes. I love “cute” women. I always tell women that “cute” is good. I know that most women hate the label “cute”, but that just shouldn’t be. With most guys I know, “cute” means “beautiful, but approachable”. “Cute” looks good in a baseball cap and a ponytail. What guy doesn’t want that? Another strike against the scientists.

"According to the photos you selected, you like women with so-called "diamond" faces… Halle Berry and Reese Witherspoon have diamond faces."

The test says I like Halle Berry’s face? That doesn’t prove anything except that my eyes still function on a rudimentary level. Humans like Halle Berry’s face. Dolphins enjoy the sonar reflection of Halle Berry’s face. The scientists clearly just got lazy here. I’ve lost faith in them.

It is interesting that Reese Witherspoon came up, however, because that is the celebrity my last girlfriend most resembled. So now I’m back on board with the scientists. But I did break up with that girlfriend. Why? Well, compare Reese to picture #1 up there. See the resemblance? Me neither. Maybe in the dimples and the chin… Science marches forward…

"You seemed to pay special attention to women with exotic noses that have a slight hook at the bridge of the nose. These noses are especially common among women of Mediterranean descent. Your preference fits your overall interest in women who are NOT "average" and have a special, exotic beauty. "

Gotcha. Exotic beauty. Yes.

The report says that I have a knack for picking out women with that “Star” quality, that I have the eye to be a good casting director. But then they turn that around and start getting critical of me. They say I’m too “picky”. That I should loosen up my standards, look for a more average woman who could be my own personal “star”. Hey! Wait a minute! I thought you were asking about my ideal?! Don’t get all uppity on me now. You were the ones who showed me a hundred beautiful women and said to pick out the hottest, sexiest ones. Look who’s suddenly found feminism. Back-stabbing bastards…

Wait! Didn’t you start out by saying that what I like is “not what usually defines "mainstream" attractiveness”? So, yeah, the results are a little confusing. I guess physical attraction is still a bit of a mystery after all.

But if you, or any ladies you know, look like these pictures, send me a phone number. In the interest of science, of course.